Honeymoon Fuck — A Short Story

The cruise was supposed to be a new start for this newlywed couple. And I guess in some ways, it was.

Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash

Warnings: strong language, sexual content, misogynist ass hat

“Where is the craziest place you two have had sex?” The Cruise Director’s voice echoes around me above the crowd. “If your answer matches what Helen told us, you get a point!”

Several places come to mind immediately. Sex should be adventurous, animalistic by nature, and therefore not confined to just a bed or a bedroom. At least, that’s my philosophy. Helen’s the sort of woman who appreciates a man who keeps things exciting — and I do. As the rolodex spins in my brain, I look at Helen for a hint. She gives me a coy smile. The same lips she’d had around my cock last night are now sealed tight, teasing me in a much less pleasing way.

I’m not sure how much time passes — it doesn’t matter. We’re on a fucking cruise ship in the open ocean. If you’re worried about time, you’re wasting your money. Glasses clink at the bar as cruisers take full advantage of their drink packages, and I can feel the thick apprehension waiting for my answer.

“Well,” I cross my ankle over my knee and hold my mic up, the metallic netting feels cool against my lips. “Last night, we had sex on our suite balcony.”

“You had sex… last night… on the cruise ship balcony?” I know the Cruise Director is saying it slowly for dramatic effect, but it just makes him sound like a twat. A British little twat. One who likely can’t fuck worth shit. “That is not the answer Helen gave us, but I think I’ve found who security was looking for!”

Raucous laughter swells around me, filled with awe and the smell of those wimpy sugary cocktails. It feels good to hear them realize that more than fifty years after my prime, I can still swing my dick around better than all the men in this room. I can still give a woman the night of her life.

I swing my head to Helen, her face burning with blush, eyes like a goddamn minx. What if I just grabbed her hand, pulled her down to our room, and got started with her again? It’s our honeymoon, afterall. “Take another shot, Keith. Where is the craziest place you two have had sex?”

I’ve already got my next guess teed up, so I waste no time in holding up the mic to say, “The Buffalo Bills Stadium. Right at the fifty yard line.”

Helen slaps my arm in that teasing way of hers. I know she loves that memory like I do. A woman whoops loudly at the back. I bet she’s a good time. Probably also a fan of the Bills. If this spotlight wasn’t so goddamn bright, I could see her, see if she’s worth meeting.

“Wow, that is… certainly unique. Helen’s answer was… her mother’s bed!” The Cruise Director says. A bed? How could Helen say the craziest place we’ve had sex is in a fucking bed? I want to ask her, but the Cruise Director continues. “You said you’ve been married for two days now?”

“Two days,” I affirm. “On this very ship.”

“But we’ve known each other for thirty years,” Helen rushes to say into her mic, as if that could make our relationship seem more wholesome or secure than a mere two days married. I’m not sure what she’s getting at, so I set my jaw and keep my cool.

“I have so many questions…” the Cruise Director continues. A guy in horrible plaid shorts on the front row cackles. Loudly. His face is flush and he’s got about four empty drink glasses at his feet, but something about him grates down my spine. I bet if I met him out back, he wouldn’t be able to make heads or tails. I’ve still got it. “Tell us, when was your first kiss?”

“2017,” I say.

“No,” Helen cuts in again as if she’s reminding me to take my pills. “It was 2015. Almost exactly ten years ago, remember? At the Cabo resort?”

I give her a hard look, but instead of yielding, correcting herself, she just shrugs.

The spotlight feels hot on my forehead. Or maybe that’s the alcohol finally catching up to my Lorazepam. Our first kiss was everything you want from a kiss with a woman. Helen was in that black bikini with the gold accents, flouncing around that Cabo resort smelling like tequila and sex. God, my mind could not stop working on all the ways I wanted to take her. It’s the way love should be between two people. Full of lust and thrill. That kiss with Helen reawakened me, reminded me of something I’d lost years ago with Laurie. But no one appreciates that. They only focus on saying I’m a terrible cheater for kissing my friend’s wife on our daughters’ joint senior graduation trip. It’s the headline they like to rub my nose in. They judge me as if falling in love is something anyone can control. It’s not like I murdered her husband for chrissakes. I’m sick of being on trial, and Helen promised me we’d keep to our version of events. It’s not lying, it’s telling the truth in the way that’s most palatable to people.

The Cruise Director continues, taking wide, dramatic steps across the stage as he addresses the audience. “We’ll move on to the next question.”

I take an easy sigh. If this question is anything like the sex question, we should be fine.

“If you were stranded on a desert island, who is the person on Helen’s side of the family you’d be least excited to be with?”

Faces flip through my mind like seeing the flashes of cards as they shuffle. Queen of spades, Jack of spades, seven of clubs, seven of spades, Jack of clubs, flickering to the next before you even register them.

Helen’s mother, glaring at me sideways as she pulls her daughter off to a corner for a “quick chat” filled with acidic whispers and stern fingers. “I’d expect better decisions from you. You represent this family, you know…”

Robert, Helen’s husband and my friend by forced proximity, laying in the hospital bed after his fall. The staff said he was in a vegetative state, but when I visited him, the room seemed to spin with accusations from his ghost. “I know what you and Helen have been doing…”.

Helen’s best friend, blabbing on about how I’m a cheater and she could do so much better than me. Box-dye blonde with a saggy ass and nagging voice. What is her name… Jane? Judy? Jenny? Whatever it is, she’s a bitch.

And Lily, well… Helen and I decided to keep her out of our story.

“You’re really having to think there Keith, aren’t you?” The shuffle of faces vanishes in my mind’s eye as the Cruise Director asks his question.

“Well, there’s quite a few of ‘em,” I chuckle, turning on my swagger. “Can I say all of them?”

The man in the plaid shorts laughs too loud for the joke, but I don’t mind.

The Cruise Director shakes his head. “Nope. We need the name of one person. Just one.”

I lean back and look at Helen, her eyes sparkling and mischievous.

Easy. I bring the mic up to my lips. “Her mother.”

Cheers flutter through the room, punctuated by bursts of laughter. Male laughter. Like they also have a mother-in-law who despises them.

“No…” The Cruise Director says. “Her answer was her daughter, Lily! Better luck next time. Now we’ll move on to our next couple…”

Spikes of anger shoot through me. I cover the mic with my hand and lean over to Helen. “Is this some kind of joke?” I hiss.

“It’s a game, Keith,” Helen whispers back. “And that’s the right answer.”

This is absurd. Absolutely absurd. She’s betraying me, making a fool of me, right here in front of all these fucking people. Putting me back on trial just like everyone back home. We came on this cruise to keep the past in the past, to be away from the criticizing people who hate seeing our love grow. It’s just us, some $2,000 Louis Roederer Cristal champagne, and hundreds of miles of open ocean for the captain to seal our vows. We picked this ship and this captain for these exact reasons.

And now, Helen’s bringing back all the shit that should have been left behind.

“I love our story, Keith,” Helen says, putting her soft hand on mine in an unsuccessful attempt to calm me. “We’ve been hiding for so long, now that we’re married, I just… I don’t want to hide anymore.”

“You promised,” I say through gritted teeth.

“But why do we have to keep lying-”

“See, this is why I wanted to leave Leadville. I wanted to take you away, live out our days where people aren’t sticking their noses into our private life. But no, you wanted to stay in that town by your family and your friends, all who hate me, by the way. They will never approve of me, no matter how great of a man I am for you.” My voice climbs, but I don’t stop. “Any woman would be lucky to be with me, and I picked you. They’re all ungrateful bastards who-”

“Is… everything okay over here?” The Cruise Director’s twatty little voice rolls in. I feel the audience’s eyes heavy on us.

Helen turns on her diplomatic tone, “Yes, yes, everything’s great, we’re-”

“No, no, they need to hear this.” I stand and face the crowd.

“Keith, what are you- don’t-”

“What? If we’re telling our story now, we should tell it how it is!”

Helen is pulling at my arm. “Keith, no, just-”

I point to Helen and yell out to the crowd. “She wanted to fuck me so bad she couldn’t even wait until her husband croaked!”

“That’s not fair!” she shouts.

I lay on the gas. “He fell down the stairs, became a vegetable, and you know who she called? Me,” I stick my finger in my chest as I turn to her. “You called me. And you begged me to take you in his hospital suite bathroom!”

Her lips screw up, and I can tell all five foot two of her is ready to blow. “Well, you wasted your daughter’s college fund on a sugar baby you found at church!”

Sputters and gasps burst from the crowd. Plaid shorts guy is laughing his drunken ass off. Heat bursts through me. My muscles are itching to go. I’m better than all these bastards. They have no right to judge me. And Helen had no right to do this to me.

Suddenly, I feel a hand on my arm. The Cruise Director’s demeanor completely shifts without the mic up to his lips. Voice low, he says “Hey, guys, this is supposed to be a game. A fun thing, you know? I’m going to have to ask you-”

I wave my hand, pulling up straight. “Alright, alright, you got it.” I don’t bother telling him I didn’t want to be in this game in the first place.

“Let’s hear it for our newlywed couple!” His twatty voice rings through the mic, encouraging a smattering of uncertain claps through the audience. Plaid shorts guy gives me a thumbs up as we walk by, and I want to rip his whole arm off.

A few numb paces down the hall, Helen loops her arm through mine. We walk in still silence, going nowhere in particular. Sunburnt cruisers with fresh beers and woozy steps pass us, mingled with boisterous children in beach- and nautical-themed outfits that seem determined to be an eyesore. This is their one big vacation of the year, but for me, it’s chump change.

As we near the casino, Helen pulls me to a small empty corner with a picture that’s supposed to look abstract, but just looks cheap instead. She puts her hand on my cheek and pulls my gaze to hers. I give in, hesitantly. I refuse to make this easy for her. Not after the way she humiliated me out there.

“This isn’t like us,” she says with a surety that reminds me why I fell so hard for her in the first place.

I nod.

“I just… I wanted to have fun, you know? And since it’s just us, with no one else from back home, I wanted to celebrate our story. The real one.”

“You made me look like a fool up there,” I say sharply. “You were bringing all that shit back up. It should have been left behind when I brought you on this goddamn cruise. That was the whole fucking point.”

She pulls back, and I see a pang of sadness in her eyes before she turns her gaze down. Good. I want her to think about what she’s done.

After a few moments, she looks back at me. “I’m sorry, Keith. I’d like to make it up to you.”

“How,” I say it, I don’t ask it. There’s only one way she can make this up to me, and as my wife, she’d better know what it is.

Helen runs her hand up my arm, over my shoulder, and gently pulls my face down to her. Givenchy perfume fills my lungs, and I feel her breath hot on my ear. “Let’s do balcony round two. Right now.”

“It’s the middle of the afternoon,” I say, wondering if she understands what she’s committing to.

A dangerous smile pulls across her lips as she says, “Exactly.”

Spikes of lust shoot through me, and I can already feel myself starting to get hard. I keep my face cool and give her an unamused look. She’s close, but not quite there.

She gets the hint and pulls my face back down to her. “I need you. I want you.” Her words get breathier and higher as she whispers them hot in my ear. “Your dick is the only thing…”

Bingo.

We’re back on our suite balcony. Instead of the black nothingness of last night, we have a spectacular view of the endless sky meeting the deep ocean. As the sun falls over her bouncing, glorious tits, I am so glad she used some of Robert’s life insurance money to get them done for me. I grab them, and she gasps as I squeeze them, feeling the rise within me.

“Wait,” she whispers. “I want this to be about you.”

Damn, what a woman.

I can’t help the grunt as she runs her hands down to my hips, her tongue dragging lazily just behind. She lowers herself slowly to kneel in front of me, working her mouth over my cock before taking it whole. I lean against the railing, the heat of the sun mixing with the lust flaming through my veins. In the reflection of the sliding glass door, I watch her golden hair swing as her head moves rhythmically. Electricity sparks through my body as she moves more desperately against me, picking up pace. God, I knew I married her for a reason.

Suddenly, she pulls away. The lust is quickly replaced by anger and I glare down at her.

“The deck is hurting my knees,” she says.

“What, so you want to finish me off on the bed then?” I say with an edge. I like the view on the sliding glass door. I like being naked under the sun. It’s bold and thrilling. This was going so well just seconds ago, and she’s already figured out how to fuck it up. I huff and start walking towards our suite. “Fine, hurry up and get on with it-”

“No,” She grabs my arm and nods back towards the railing. “You can sit up there, can’t you?”

I look at the wide wooden railing, glossy against the daylight.

I look back at her. “Are you serious? You’re asking me to sit on the railing?”

She sidles close to me, her whole naked body pressed against my own. “I want you right now, right here.”

I look back at the railing. It’s the only thing between me and the open sea. She’s more adventurous than I’d thought. That sets a fire in me.

“You saucy little-”

“Get up there, fucker,” she grabs my ass as I turn, then slaps me hard. This edgy side of her makes me ache. As I grasp the railing, I glance over the edge at the deep blue water, set into white shocks of chaos by the ship. Spirals and sprays set the soundtrack, salt and sun mixing with her Givenchy perfume.

I use the deck chair to step up, and sit on the railing, warm against my ass cheeks. My heart pounds as she lowers herself between my legs, her dangerous gaze holding my own. Challenging me. I might as well blow my load right now at the thrill of it all.

She doesn’t put my cock right back in her mouth, though. A flash of disappointment slits through me. That look in her eye, though, tells me this woman’s got other plans. She’s about to give me the honeymoon fuck of my life. My body sparks, my dick aches to be jammed into some part of her. I grip the railing, hard beneath me as her arms slide down my legs.

That’s the wrong direction, goddammit! I think, but I clench my jaw. This woman’s about to rock my world. I know it.

“It’s our honeymoon,” she whispers, her words dripping with temptation. “You deserve the best fuck of your life.”

Suddenly, she grabs my ankles and flings them over my head.

Fuck.

This story was originally published on my Medium.